sigh...i can't help maiself...it seems like im always hurting others..or maiself..

last night isaac said sumthing to me that really got me thinking..

(im one those suicidal depressed goth /wiccan freaks...nd the reason i broke up wid mai last ex is cuz he couldn't really take me for wot i really was...he only liked me wen i would be all happy nd cheerful nd shit...but wen he started to see more of the real me i guess he got frightened..he didn't want me to be that way...so i thought it be best if we juss broke up...i dun wanna be wid a guy who can't take me for who i really am)

so...baq to isaac...exactly a month nd a day (how long me nd mai ex were togehter ) after we first exchanged our "i love yours"i asked him if he could accept me...then i went on tellin him bout why i brok up wid mai last bf...nd he said that he could accept me...even though it bugs him at times....he can still stand it...nd im happy that he said that....nd now it's been exactly two months since our first "i love yous"...but.....wot he said to me last nite.....*sigh*...i feel like i'm only gonna hurt him in the end....anyone that i have ever trusted nd gotten close to has ended up getting hurt by me...or i get hurt...i juss dunno if i wanna go through that again...i love him to death..i seriously do....but i dun want him gettin hurt over me....

see...i kinda have this sixth sense where i kinda know wen things are gonna happen...i don have premonitions....nd dont use a crystal ball or woteva u mite think this crap is about....but seriously...i juss have these "feelings"....or sumtimes dreams....or wot mite happen...or how another person is feeling.....

ex- one of mai friends, roni, nd her boyfriend (one of mai former crushes), adrian, were together for a long time...or at least the longest roni has ever been wid n e one....everyone thought they were perfect together...at least i didn't....at the time i juss thought that maybe it was jealousy that she got the guy nd i didn't..but later i found out that it wasnt' bcuz of that...i started getting these "feelings"...or intuition....bout 3 or 4 months they started dating...i told adrian...cuz i was closer friends to him than roni...nd he juss didn't believe me...he thought i was juss makin it up....haha...guess wot...in 2 weeks...roni decided to have a "break"...adrian was devastated but i told him not to worri..it wasn't gonna last bcuz later she'd realize how devoted he is to her....in one week she got baq together wid him.....wonderful huh?..yet even though they seemed happy nd all....it still wasn't meant to be...i told adrian to be careful around her...nd be careful bout wot he said or did....3 weeks later roni had this stupid fight wid him bout him not supporting her in her decisions.....bad choice adrian......but they eventually resolved it....then school got out nd i lost contact for awhile nd went travelling wid mai parents....wen i came baq i had this sudden sinkin feelin.....i asked adrian how it was wid roni.."she broke up wid me last week...this time she meant it"....tsk.....they were both hurting soo much but i dun want that to happen to isaac...i dun want that to happen to me either....

it mite sound selfish....but is it really selfish to juss not want n e more pain?...for you or sumone else u love?...i feel like i need to get away frm isaac...or at least he needs to get away from me....cuz soon...im gonna hurt him....bad....nd he mite turn away from me...or he wont..i dunno....but all i noe is that i'm gonna hurt him....nd in return....its gonna hurt me too.....

so juss leave me alone.....plz.....
sum ppl mite wonder y i never get any comments frm friends...or even have a "friend list"...its cuz no one else noes i made this site.....this is mai sanctuary to write out wot i really feel widout being judged by those i no nd those that i mite hurt or hurt me baq....this is juss mai secret way of letting out emotions rather than wot other ppl mite prefer (violence)...wellz..i guess thats all i gotta say...

if ya wanna go see a happier me.....go check out mai xanga... www.xanga.com/satanz_kitty .....its not as bad as this site...i think..

...:::misanthr0pe:::...

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